


To Be Loved

by ThicctorHugo



Category: Godless (TV 2017)
Genre: Angst, F/M, I'm sorry people, Past Child Abuse, this is sad af
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-03
Updated: 2019-02-03
Packaged: 2019-10-21 16:27:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17646257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThicctorHugo/pseuds/ThicctorHugo
Summary: Roy reveals the real reason he left FrankTrigger warning for SA and rape, please take care of yourselves <3





	To Be Loved

'Why'd you leave him then?' She said.  
'Frank?' Roy looked up confused.  
'Yeah, why'd you leave?' She repeated.  
He inhaled. Then sighed. He was thinking, remembering. He was trying to think of a way to tell her, to express the real reason he had run from the only place he had ever called home in his life.  
He remembers the first time it happened, the boys had been teasing him about a girl who took his fancy in town. Frank called him over and sat him down. He was telling Roy about his experiences with women, about how women were bodies for men's pleasure. Then he placed a hand on Roy's leg, describing how it felt. As his descriptions deepened Franks hand moved, slowly moving towards his groin. Roy didn't know what to do, he sat there, still. Franks hand reached his groin and he was touching Roy. Roy couldn't help the noises that escaped him, he couldn't help twitching as his stomach felt warm and heavy. It was a strange sensation, Roy felt good but at the same time he felt terrified, it felt wrong. Franks hands moved to his breeches and he quickly removed Roy's trousers and his underthings before Roy could even react. Roy remembers Frank touching him, he remembers Frank describing what a woman must feel, he remembers Frank on top of him and the fear that left him immobilised. Roy remembers how absurd it was and how he was confused at what to think. He had no clue what was happening to him. After it was over Frank held him close and told him that he was a good boy.  
He left Franks tent silent and entered his own the same way. He couldn't sleep, troubled by his confusion. It happened more when he was a kid, before Frank let him go with other women. He was 20 when he first had a woman, before that only Frank. It still happened though. Even though he was older, even though he was a man of his own. The last time it happened was the night he left, the night before he went to see Lucy. It had been a while since Frank had last called him to his tent, Roy was 27 it was harder to deny him of being a man. Frank was on top of Roy, but this time was different. Frank insisted on facing Roy, it made Roy remember his fear in the first time. Near the end Frank leaned down and kissed Roy. He told Roy he loved him. That night he left Franks tent and for the first time in years cried. He didn't know why, he'd been kissed many times, by girls and whores alike but this, this was sick. It made Roy feel disgusting, Frank had always been a father to him and yes he'd still touched him but Roy just put up with that. He endured it because he understood Frank was lonely and that this was the price of having his love as a father. But this, a kiss, that wasn't the love of a father. Roy couldn't be here, not if he knew that Frank wanted him like that.  
The next morning he went to see Lucy and he got the letter. That changed everything. Before his plan was to leave America forever, maybe live in England but now, now he knew Jim was out there he had to go and find him. He didn't even think about the fact that he couldn't read he just decided to leave. And he did, he walked out of the whorehouse after a fight with one of the men and he rode out into the wild. That was when everything at Creede happened and that was when he met Alice. His escape hadn't gone as he planned but he knew that he was safe here, just for a bit, he was safe. Frank couldn't touch him anymore. So here he was, unable to tell Alice his story, unable to even reveal what Frank did to him.  
'Did he hurt you?'  
He looked at her. She was staring at him, concern lining her face.  
'I know he shot you after you left, but did he hurt you while you were with him?'  
'Yeah' Roy managed to get out.  
'What'd he do?' She asked him.  
He looked at her, trying to get the words out, trying to tell her.  
'He hit you?' She asked  
'No' he said, too quickly  
'Okay then, what is it? ... I just wanna know what type of man is coming after you.' She said, a threat underlying her voice.  
'He uh' Roy stuttered, unable to look her in the face.  
'He touch you?' She said softly, looking at him with a gentle gaze. Roy looked so tired, he couldn't look at her, his silence was enough of an answer. Alice looked at him with pity, the boy couldn't be much older than 25 yet he'd been so emasculated by a man who called himself his father. Roy felt weak, he hated it yet somehow there was this deep seated relief. He felt so open, it was new to him, the feeling of freedom and the vulnerability that came with it. He felt Alice place a warm hand upon his own. He looked towards their intertwined hands then to her face. She looked him right in the eyes as she said  
'That man will be dead four times before I let him near you again.'  
Somehow Roy felt comforted, despite the anger and violence of the threat, he couldn't help but feel safe. He knew he should be embarrassed to have to rely on a woman for protection but Alice was unlike any woman he'd ever met. Her strength was infectious, Roy was left to take in her radiating power. He knew it was a promise she would keep. And for the first time in his life, he felt loved.


End file.
